Here's a brief recap of what's been going on with me since the last week of school:
Finals
So yeah, I thought I was going to get like a 3.6 GPA or something this semester with nearly straight A's, right? Psh. Yeah right. Final results of my scholastic pursuits? Try one B, 2 Cs, one D, and one I for incomplete! Yeah. It's like that.
BSU Leadership Retreat (Panama City, Florida)
So, we went to PC for our council leadership retreat. I was definately trippin' out before I left; there were just all of these really consuming convictions going on in my life, what with my poor health and even poorer grades, my dad flying back and forth for work, my mom well... being Mom, and a gamot of other heartaches. I just needed time off. But I wasn't ready just yet to jump from school to home just like that. So I didn't. Went down to PC, FL and had a very interesting, fun, emotional, spiritual, flirtatious, convictional time. I can't say that I had a wonderful time the entire time we were at the beach because that would be a lie. But I will say that I definately experienced an emotional breakthrough on our last morning there, right before we left, during which I broke down in tears (after an entire week of feeling almost no emotion whatsoever). But all-in-all, I really had a great time, and grew closer to God and my friends. I'm also way pumped about council next year and all of the things God has planned for me.
Fast forward to now...
I'm at home in Roswell and it totally sucks. I have no friends, no school, no work, no car (or liscence for that matter) and thus... I have no life. It's difficult going from a life of complete freedom to one of complete authority, from adulthood to childhood, from respected young woman to protected little girl. And on top of all of that, my depression / anxiety is back in all its glory, ready to take any joy I have in my life right now. And to add insult to injury, I really am truly convinced that I have developed Adult ADD (which would explain my inability to complete more than half of all my final assignments).
It's frustrating because now that I am at home, I am forced to face the real world. Being at school, being with my friends from the BSU, it's like a safe haven, a little bubble in which I can be myself without caring about what people think or if they will like me or not. Not to say that it was perfect there, either. But at least I wasn't as tormented as I am here. I feel so lonely and yet, I have this seemingly unquenchable thirst to prove myself, to show everyone that they were wrong about me-- that I can and have moved on with my life (quite a paradoxical statement, is it not?) But it seems like opportunity after opportunity just slips through my hands. And I know all of this is happening for a reason, but that still doesn't change the fact that I want the chance to show everyone who's ever hurt me how much pain the caused me, and how, depsite that, I have a life, and a full one at that.
But I know that God doesn't want that for me and that He's showing me through all of this that I should care about showing people up "Geek-to-Chique" style (a la Ricki Lake), because He who is in Heaven is the ultimate reward. But I just have to keep watching and searching and waiting (or asking, seeking, knocking, as the case may be-- Matt. 7:7) until I let it get through my sick, thick skull that earthly vengance doesn't matter but that the Lord will set me free and give those who cause me to stumble the reward they deserve.
BSU Leadership Retreat (Panama City, Florida)
So, we went to PC for our council leadership retreat. I was definately trippin' out before I left; there were just all of these really consuming convictions going on in my life, what with my poor health and even poorer grades, my dad flying back and forth for work, my mom well... being Mom, and a gamot of other heartaches. I just needed time off. But I wasn't ready just yet to jump from school to home just like that. So I didn't. Went down to PC, FL and had a very interesting, fun, emotional, spiritual, flirtatious, convictional time. I can't say that I had a wonderful time the entire time we were at the beach because that would be a lie. But I will say that I definately experienced an emotional breakthrough on our last morning there, right before we left, during which I broke down in tears (after an entire week of feeling almost no emotion whatsoever). But all-in-all, I really had a great time, and grew closer to God and my friends. I'm also way pumped about council next year and all of the things God has planned for me.
Fast forward to now...
I'm at home in Roswell and it totally sucks. I have no friends, no school, no work, no car (or liscence for that matter) and thus... I have no life. It's difficult going from a life of complete freedom to one of complete authority, from adulthood to childhood, from respected young woman to protected little girl. And on top of all of that, my depression / anxiety is back in all its glory, ready to take any joy I have in my life right now. And to add insult to injury, I really am truly convinced that I have developed Adult ADD (which would explain my inability to complete more than half of all my final assignments).
It's frustrating because now that I am at home, I am forced to face the real world. Being at school, being with my friends from the BSU, it's like a safe haven, a little bubble in which I can be myself without caring about what people think or if they will like me or not. Not to say that it was perfect there, either. But at least I wasn't as tormented as I am here. I feel so lonely and yet, I have this seemingly unquenchable thirst to prove myself, to show everyone that they were wrong about me-- that I can and have moved on with my life (quite a paradoxical statement, is it not?) But it seems like opportunity after opportunity just slips through my hands. And I know all of this is happening for a reason, but that still doesn't change the fact that I want the chance to show everyone who's ever hurt me how much pain the caused me, and how, depsite that, I have a life, and a full one at that.
But I know that God doesn't want that for me and that He's showing me through all of this that I should care about showing people up "Geek-to-Chique" style (a la Ricki Lake), because He who is in Heaven is the ultimate reward. But I just have to keep watching and searching and waiting (or asking, seeking, knocking, as the case may be-- Matt. 7:7) until I let it get through my sick, thick skull that earthly vengance doesn't matter but that the Lord will set me free and give those who cause me to stumble the reward they deserve.