AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH::
Sorry. Just practicing. But seriously-- I just can't take it anymore! I'm so sick of people asking me to help out, lend a hand, join the gang, be a part, conform, be alike, agree! I just can't do it. I can't!!!
I want independence, and I HATE it! I hate that I want to just shut myself out from the world (including the BSU), and spend some time just finding myself, because BSU is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without it. On the other hand, though, I get sick of hearing other people's opinions of other people-- their religion, their personality, their attitude. Sometimes I feel like my new friends are some of the most accepting people in the world, and then other times, I feel like they are some of the judgemental people I've ever come into contact with; I mean, if we're supposed to be Christians, and the Bible says "Do not judge, that you be not judged," then why do we continue to gossip and talk about other people (Matthew 7:1)? We sit there and talk about people who aren't Christians, and dog on people who are of other faiths (no matter how good a person they are), instead of discipling them and witnessing to them! I can't stand it, and I'm sick of it! Absolutely sick! It's just not right!
But does that mean I don't want to be a Christian anymore? No. Not at all. I really love the Lord and I do believe that Jesus died for my sins. But it's like, sometimes I have some difficulty with that whole "fellowship" thing; I guess it doesn't matter how many drugs those shrinks dope me up on, I'll never have a high tolerance level for social destruction and inequality.
But sometimes I just which I could be totally and completely numb-- void of all feeling and care, focusing solely on me and mine, not allowing the ambiguous worries and arbitrary troubles of this world to touch me or get me down. But I know that's not how Christ lived (or how God wants us to live).
But what am I supposed to do to maintain my sanity?! I'm going bizerk and I just don't know what to do! Although there are only three weeks left in the semester, it almost feels like there are three months!
Ah-ha! How 'bout I just stay locked up in my room for the rest of the semester, emerging only to bathe, partake of food, utilize the fascilities. I could take all of my final exams from right here on the computer! How great would that be? Ah.... No boys beckoning my attention; no girls requesting my presence at exclusive, debutantesque, self-righteous (and somehow unnervingly and overwhelmingly intriguing) functions; no preachers, deacons, mothers, or random strangers requesting my attendance at and involvement in the local holiness, sanctified, tambourine-shakin', flag-wavin', tounges-speakin', forehead-touchin', brass knuckle-wearin', ten hour service-havin', fried chicken eatin', foot-stompin', barefoot-bein', down home, country folks!!!
!!!!!
I know this is just Satan trying to get all up in my grill and throw me off-- I know it! He's honing in on all of my vices, all my weaknesses. He knows how to hit me hard just where it hurts. But I will not give in! I will not be overcome by the wickedness of Satan, I will not plunder to the depths of Hell!I WON'T DO IT!!!!
