Saturday, June 26, 2004
Wow. This is strange-- making a blog entry and all. It's been like, what... 2 months now? Yep. I would say it's been about that long. But you know what? I think it's a good thing.
This summer, God has really just blessed me with a lot of time to just reflect on and reassess some things. He has taught me to just really make the most of the day in obedience to Him-- something I had always been a bit hesitant to do.
I don't know if my hesitancy was due fear of the unknown, laziness, a combination of both, or simply the use of one to make an excuse for another. Either way, God has definately been laying it on my heart to just change my ways and to just be entirely submissive to Him.
Now, don't think that this has been all cake-n-pie; it hasn't. In fact, I stooped quite low into depression, flirted a taste with some self-destructive acts (don't worry, no drugs or boos or anything-- just stuff that I knew I shouldn't have been doing)... heck, I even threw myself a pity party! (Not literally, of course. But for all intents and purposes in the context of this entry-- it works).
But finally, one day, God was just like "Look! Now you are being so selfish and immoral, it's pitiful!! Now you're going to pull yourself together and give yourself up! Don't wallow in your unhappiness when you have the power through Christ in Me to change your circumstances!"
So that's what I did. I wasn't happy with my health and fitness, so started working out and eating healthier (trying to, anyway, hehe). I wasn't happy with the fact that I couldn't drive, so I got my learner's permit and now my parents are teaching me to drive. I couldn't stand my room being a mess, so I cleaned it up!
You see, I think that sometimes, we're afraid to listen to God and afraid to follow His will, because we think that He's going to make us do hard things that we aren't prepared for or that we can't do. But that's not true. God's will is that we bring glory and honor to His kingdom, through our love of and service to others, that people might come to know this love and joy we have within us; susequently, accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
So I'm learning-- slowly, but surely-- to take the "me" out of the equation, and just to go with the flow. And although I get scared from time to time, I always notice that when I follow His will, my days are so much better and I have such a great feeling inside, compared to the days when I am just totally and blatantly disobedient, feeling empty and lonely inside.
As the Third Day song says... "Nothing compares, to the greatness of knowing You, Lord." bohemianchik had an epiphany at 1:06 pm
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Okay, so here's the deal. The past few weeks have just been a rollercoaster of ups and downs with a cornicopia of feelings and emotions. I've been at crazy, wonderful highs, where I'm just totally on top of the world and working at my walk with Christ (and my walk with my treadmill-- I've been working out and it's been awesome!), and then I'd suddenly come crashing down, plumetting to depths of dispair that I have not seen in a very long time.
Here's a brief recap of what's been going on with me since the last week of school:
Finals
So yeah, I thought I was going to get like a 3.6 GPA or something this semester with nearly straight A's, right? Psh. Yeah right. Final results of my scholastic pursuits? Try one B, 2 Cs, one D, and one I for incomplete! Yeah. It's like that.
BSU Leadership Retreat (Panama City, Florida)
So, we went to PC for our council leadership retreat. I was definately trippin' out before I left; there were just all of these really consuming convictions going on in my life, what with my poor health and even poorer grades, my dad flying back and forth for work, my mom well... being Mom, and a gamot of other heartaches. I just needed time off. But I wasn't ready just yet to jump from school to home just like that. So I didn't. Went down to PC, FL and had a very interesting, fun, emotional, spiritual, flirtatious, convictional time. I can't say that I had a wonderful time the entire time we were at the beach because that would be a lie. But I will say that I definately experienced an emotional breakthrough on our last morning there, right before we left, during which I broke down in tears (after an entire week of feeling almost no emotion whatsoever). But all-in-all, I really had a great time, and grew closer to God and my friends. I'm also way pumped about council next year and all of the things God has planned for me.
Fast forward to now...
I'm at home in Roswell and it totally sucks. I have no friends, no school, no work, no car (or liscence for that matter) and thus... I have no life. It's difficult going from a life of complete freedom to one of complete authority, from adulthood to childhood, from respected young woman to protected little girl. And on top of all of that, my depression / anxiety is back in all its glory, ready to take any joy I have in my life right now. And to add insult to injury, I really am truly convinced that I have developed Adult ADD (which would explain my inability to complete more than half of all my final assignments).
It's frustrating because now that I am at home, I am forced to face the real world. Being at school, being with my friends from the BSU, it's like a safe haven, a little bubble in which I can be myself without caring about what people think or if they will like me or not. Not to say that it was perfect there, either. But at least I wasn't as tormented as I am here. I feel so lonely and yet, I have this seemingly unquenchable thirst to prove myself, to show everyone that they were wrong about me-- that I can and have moved on with my life (quite a paradoxical statement, is it not?) But it seems like opportunity after opportunity just slips through my hands. And I know all of this is happening for a reason, but that still doesn't change the fact that I want the chance to show everyone who's ever hurt me how much pain the caused me, and how, depsite that, I have a life, and a full one at that.
But I know that God doesn't want that for me and that He's showing me through all of this that I should care about showing people up "Geek-to-Chique" style (a la Ricki Lake), because He who is in Heaven is the ultimate reward. But I just have to keep watching and searching and waiting (or asking, seeking, knocking, as the case may be-- Matt. 7:7) until I let it get through my sick, thick skull that earthly vengance doesn't matter but that the Lord will set me free and give those who cause me to stumble the reward they deserve.
bohemianchik had an epiphany at 11:58 pm
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Well, it's the week of finals, and the last week of school, and I am pretty convinced that I am going insane. My friend Rita (the Pita!) and I have both reached the conclusion that we have digressed to the maturity level of that of a 4th grader. But you know what? We know this. We accept this. It's all good.
Actually, it's not all good, and I feel that I'm going to explode any minute now (seeing as though I have had absolutely know real, genuine emotion for the past 3 days) and everything will come crashing down on my head. But until then, I guess I should just continue in this numb void of oblivion and wait for my shell to break...
bohemianchik had an epiphany at 1:37 pm
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
The Medocricy After the Storm
Wow. I have been through so much crap these past few weeks, and Friday, it all finally hit the fan. Everything that possibly could have gone wrong did, and I felt as though I just couldn't take it anymore. After a series of painfully unfortunate events, I cracked; I sat down in the gazeebo and just started sobbing, a steady stream of tears running down my face. I just sat there; I couldn't speak or move... I just sat there, staring into space, hiding my feelings and emotions behind dark sunglasses.
Friends tried to cheer me up, but it was no use-- I was just gone. But then one friend in particular showed up, and just told me what I needed to hear, no holds bars. She helped me to realize that I just needed to stop and turn to Jesus and that none of the suffering I endured or will endure in my lifetime will ever compare to the suffering that Jesus did on the cross. She totally convicted me, and just gave me a reality check-- a very critical reality check. I usually would be offended and hurt by the fact that someone had the audacity to call me out on my faults-- to hold me accountable for my actions and feelings.
Even though things aren't tremendous or anything, things really are starting to get better; it's a slow process, and at times a very painful one, but I'm getting there-- God's pulling me through this, you know? And I couldn't be more blessed and joyful (Note: Joy is quite different from Happiness).
bohemianchik had an epiphany at 1:11 pm
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Suffocating (into Numbness)
Alright. That's it. Everyone needs to just back up off of me!!! I can't take it anymore! If one more person asks me one more thing about my business, I swear, I'm gonna SCREAM!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH::
Sorry. Just practicing. But seriously-- I just can't take it anymore! I'm so sick of people asking me to help out, lend a hand, join the gang, be a part, conform, be alike, agree! I just can't do it. I can't!!!
I want independence, and I HATE it! I hate that I want to just shut myself out from the world (including the BSU), and spend some time just finding myself, because BSU is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without it. On the other hand, though, I get sick of hearing other people's opinions of other people-- their religion, their personality, their attitude. Sometimes I feel like my new friends are some of the most accepting people in the world, and then other times, I feel like they are some of the judgemental people I've ever come into contact with; I mean, if we're supposed to be Christians, and the Bible says "Do not judge, that you be not judged," then why do we continue to gossip and talk about other people (Matthew 7:1)? We sit there and talk about people who aren't Christians, and dog on people who are of other faiths (no matter how good a person they are), instead of discipling them and witnessing to them! I can't stand it, and I'm sick of it! Absolutely sick! It's just not right!
But does that mean I don't want to be a Christian anymore? No. Not at all. I really love the Lord and I do believe that Jesus died for my sins. But it's like, sometimes I have some difficulty with that whole "fellowship" thing; I guess it doesn't matter how many drugs those shrinks dope me up on, I'll never have a high tolerance level for social destruction and inequality.
But sometimes I just which I could be totally and completely numb-- void of all feeling and care, focusing solely on me and mine, not allowing the ambiguous worries and arbitrary troubles of this world to touch me or get me down. But I know that's not how Christ lived (or how God wants us to live).
But what am I supposed to do to maintain my sanity?! I'm going bizerk and I just don't know what to do! Although there are only three weeks left in the semester, it almost feels like there are three months!
Ah-ha! How 'bout I just stay locked up in my room for the rest of the semester, emerging only to bathe, partake of food, utilize the fascilities. I could take all of my final exams from right here on the computer! How great would that be? Ah.... No boys beckoning my attention; no girls requesting my presence at exclusive, debutantesque, self-righteous (and somehow unnervingly and overwhelmingly intriguing) functions; no preachers, deacons, mothers, or random strangers requesting my attendance at and involvement in the local holiness, sanctified, tambourine-shakin', flag-wavin', tounges-speakin', forehead-touchin', brass knuckle-wearin', ten hour service-havin', fried chicken eatin', foot-stompin', barefoot-bein', down home, country folks!!!
!!!!!
I know this is just Satan trying to get all up in my grill and throw me off-- I know it! He's honing in on all of my vices, all my weaknesses. He knows how to hit me hard just where it hurts. But I will not give in! I will not be overcome by the wickedness of Satan, I will not plunder to the depths of Hell!I WON'T DO IT!!!!
bohemianchik had an epiphany at 12:51 am
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